1. " COMPETITIVE SALARY"

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

2. " JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"

We have no time to train you.

3. " CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

4. " MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

5. " SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

6. " DUTIES WILL VARY"

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

7. " MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"

We have no quality control.

8. " CAREER-MINDED"

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

9. " APPLY IN PERSON"

If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been

filled.

10. " NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"

We've filled the job; our call for resume is just a legal

formality.

11. " SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

12. " PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

13. " REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay

or respect.

14. " GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want

and do it.

15. " I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION"

I've used Microsoft Office.

16. " I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE"

I pilfer office supplies.

18. " MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES"

I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

19. " I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK"

I blame others for my mistakes.

20. " I'M PERSONABLE"

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.

22. " I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL"

I carry a Day-Timer.

23. " I AM ADAPTABLE"

I've changed jobs a lot.

24. " I AM ON THE GO"

I'm never at my desk.

25. " I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED"

The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

Contributed by Larry Litwin