New Excuses to tell your Boss why you won't be in to work...

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today." ( clearly the hands-down winner !)

2.) "When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it."

3.) "I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source
exactly e*log(pi) for the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping
my dog on the snout with a rolled up New York Times. Accordingly, I will
now be in late, or early."

4.) "I have to go in for a blood transfusion... My stigmata's acting up
again."

5.) "I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

6.) "I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet, so if you really want me to come in..."

7.) "I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant."

8.) "Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help
you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling."

9.) "I accidentally converted my calendar from Julian to Gregorian and
lost today."

10.) "I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11.) "The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled."

12.) "The dog ate my car keys and we have to hitchhike to the vet."

13.) "Today I am compelled to remain an enigma."

14.) "My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must
track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her
eternal peace. One day should do it."

15.) "I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.

16.) "Constipation has made me a walking time bomb and I have to keep my
back to an open window.

Contributed by Bob Tukesbrey