I think Santa Claus is a woman....
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social
deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all
off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even
think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem
surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on
the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe
would wake up Christmas
morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.
First of all, there
would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to
the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck
season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the
taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still
have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there
in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be
seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in
jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing
them.
* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a
commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are
men........
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
He's a definite guy. The Baby New Year sits around in his underwear.
The Easter Bunny wears no underwear. Cupid
flies around
carrying weapons. Leprechauns are balding and often intoxicated.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening
test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance.